8/29/24 Reframe your negative thoughts into strengths, starting right now
Hook
How do you talk to yourself? Are you kind and loving, like you would be toward a beloved child? Or do you spend most of your time beating yourself up, thinking or knowing that you could or should do better? The thing I’ve found is that most people who talk negatively to themselves do not get more done, and they often only succeed in making themselves feel worse, even when they’ve done more than they anticipated they could.
What if I told you that you could change the negative thoughts in your head so you can get more done, feel better about yourself and make a better impact in the world?
Well, buckle up lovey, because today we’re going to do just that.
Subject intro
Hello my lovelies! Welcome to the Moving Toward Better Podcast. I’m your host, Karen Bemmes, and today we’re talking about how to reframe your negative thoughts into strengths, starting right now.
Before we dive in, I want to make clear that what I am about to share are experiences from my own life and what I learned along the way. Your situation may be different, and this is no substitute for medical or mental health intervention if your situation warrants it. This podcast series is designed to help people understand themselves and others better based on their personalities. It is not intended to diagnose or treat any mental or physical condition. If you suspect you or a family member is at risk of physical or mental harm, please seek proper medical help immediately.
For those who are new to the podcast, when I talk about personalities, communication and relationships, I use the DISC personality model of behavior and refer to people as D or Driven, I or Inspired, S or Supportive, and C or Cautious. You can find links to take your own Personality Assessment in the Show Notes
Presentation of Problem/Challenge
Look, I’ll be the first one to admit that I don’t always win the battle between my own ears, but I am so much better than I used to be, and I win more of those battles than I lose, which feels much better than when I lost more than I won.
I have learned so many techniques to get here, and I’m going to share some of them with you today because I believe the more we share about these things the more we help one another and make the world a calmer, more peaceful and happier place.
That may not appeal to every personality type, but it does appeal to most, and we’ll talk about that too.
To start, I’ve been reading about self improvement for over four decades. It wasn’t until I started actually implementing what I read that things started to change, and that may sound weird, but the thing about change is that you don’t change from reading a book.
You change by doing something differently, and while that seems like a no brainer, I feel like it has to be said because I know a lot of people who can quote a lot of books, but they don’t live the principles they quote. They merely tell others how to live but don’t follow their own advice.
In the personal development realm, the first exercise that truly changed my life was a challenge to not complain for 30 days straight, and if you did complain, you had to start your 30 days all over again. That was probably 20 years ago, and I’m not sure I’ve ever made it 30 full days, but it forever keeps me mindful of what I complain about and whether it’s important enough to break my streak.
Look, I know there is plenty to complain about, but there are also plenty of ways to approach subjects and situations that we don’t like in a more positive way.
What I learned by not complaining was to have a solution mindset, which is great for me but sometimes truly bothers others.
I now get that some people just want to complain and have people listen without responding. They want to release their frustration, but they’re not looking for input to fix anything, but the first time I heard someone tell me they didn’t want any advice and wanted me to listen only, I was confused.
This person had complained over and over about the same thing, but when I attempted to offer a solution, they shut down. I truly didn’t understand people like that, and I’ve had to tell people that if that’s what you’re after, I’m not the person to talk to because the moment you present me with a problem, I go into solution mode.
Now, I will admit I’ve gotten better at asking someone who starts complaining if they’re just letting off steam or are looking for a solution, but if they’re letting off steam, the truth is that I’m less likely to pay close attention because they’re telling me something that has very little to do with me.
Some would say that makes me a bad listener, but others, who are neurodivergent like me, are thinking of situations that they can share to let the other person know they understand or are thinking of solutions like I do based on my understanding of the problem.
I do, however, find it fascinating how differently people process, and whichever works for you is awesome.
Regarding personality types, the Driven personality would probably agree with me that what’s the point of complaining unless you’re looking for a solution, but they won’t necessarily want to do a deep dive into the why and wherefores of the problem. Instead, they want a quick solution so they can move on because, for them, what’s the point in talking about it if we’re not going to fix it?
The Inspired types are always looking for a fun solution for complaining because, for the most part, complaining isn’t fun for them. Now, there may be a few people out there that like complaining because they like being the center of attention, but those are generally I personalities that are out of balance. Instead, the I personality in balance wants everyone to be happy, and for them, a solution to the problem is the easiest way to get there.
The Supportive personality is the most likely to be the one to hold space for someone who is complaining and just listen, although as someone with a lot of the S personality in their mix, I’m not that person, as I’ve said before. For those who are more reserved than me, they are truly wonderful at holding space for someone, and if that works for them, more power to them.
Now, when the Cautious personality complains, they bring receipts! They have a detailed and on point reason that they are complaining, so before you try to intervene with a solution, you best have facts to back up whatever you’re going to say, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I made the mistake of trying to smooth things over without backup a few times, and it was not pretty.
It’s not that the C personality cannot be talked out of their complaining. It’s just better to ask them what they see as the solution and discuss from there. Trust me, it’s the right and easier thing to do because the Cautious personality complains with a purpose, so find out what it is and move on from there.
Another thing that changed my perspective in an amazing way was using the words “I choose to” in place of “I have to”, “I need to”, "I ought to” or “I should”. It sounds trivial, but it’s an incredibly powerful exercise because it teaches you several things.
It shows you how much of the time you give your power to choose away because if you’re an adult, there is almost always a choice even though you think you “have to” do something or you didn’t have a choice.
When you focus on choosing what to do, it puts you in charge of your activities and your life instead of giving that power over. Isn’t that cool? I’ve actually gotten to the point where I am very careful about when I use have to, ought to, need to and should, and it feels really good to choose. It also makes me so aware of how often people use those phrases to keep from doing the things in their life that they truly want to do.
I can’t go to the park. I have to clean the house. I can’t play a game with you. I have dishes to do. I can’t go on a spur of the moment trip because I have so many things I have to do to get ready, and the list goes on. I’ve heard it, and I’ve said it more times than I would like to admit, and I’m the spontaneous one!
This is one where the Driven personality excels, though. You rarely hear them say they have to do anything in an exasperated way because they tend to turn things like that into a challenge, even and maybe especially when it’s something they don’t like.
This makes me think about the time my younger two children were acting up, and I sent them to their rooms because I just couldn’t take their sassiness anymore. I heard my oldest say to the younger two that all they needed to do to get me to forgive them was to clean their rooms, which is what I wanted them to do in the first place, and he turned it into a race to see who could get it done before a timer went off.
He turned something the younger two were whining about having to do into a challenge they were at least interested in doing, and the rooms were clean in record time. Now, part of the success of this was their older brother challenging them, because if I had done the same thing, they may have balked at it. Trust me, I used that leverage for as long as I could before they got tired of it.
The Driven personality is excellent at turning things they feel they have to do into a challenge, and they love a good challenge. These are the people who post about their workout streaks, the number of days they’ve decluttered or some other thing they want to accomplish. It truly gives them joy to overcome, and streaks and challenges are great for that.
For the I personality, making something fun eases the “have to” burden. It’s even better if they can work with someone on a difficult task or have something fun to do when they finish with a difficult task.
This past week, I was in Tampa to work with a friend, and while she doesn’t have the I personality as her primary personality trait, she does have it, and it’s amazing how much work we got accomplished on a holiday project we’re working on. Check the show notes for ways to stay in the know for that, but the upshot is that we accomplished everything that we set out to do, except for one thing, and we did a couple of things we didn’t expect or dream we could accomplish in a couple of days. The results of those things will help us through the rest of the year and beyond. That’s the power or body doubling and fun for the I personality.
The Supportive personality is the least likely to complain about things they “have to” do if they’re in balance, because they can think of all the ways that what they’re doing will benefit themselves and others so there’s no need to transform their negative thoughts because they don’t have any. Out of balance, though, they can be passive aggressive and complain about all the things they have to do that no one appreciates.
If you’ve ever heard a friend talk about not being appreciated for all the things that they have to do, you’re probably listening to a Supportive personality, and don’t get me wrong, sometimes they have a truly legitimate complaint, but if that complaint is chronic, they have other issues beyond the things they “have to” do.
Again, nearly every parent on the planet has felt unappreciated at some point, but if the complaint is chronic, that’s where people like me can help. For the S personality, I can teach you how to set boundaries in a way that makes you feel empowered rather than mean and to enforce them when I know how hard it is for you to follow through on things you know are necessary but will make your loved ones uncomfortable too.The link for personalized coaching is in the show notes as well.
For the C personality, if they take issue with something they have to do, they have reasons or questions. If they have reasons, it’s because they don’t see the value in it. If you can show them the value, they’ll do the task even if they dislike it because it’s the right thing to do. If they don’t like your reasons or the answers to their questions, they may refuse to do the “have to” task no matter what the consequence because it doesn’t make sense to them or they disagree with you.
I have a friend that once sat at a dinner table for hours as a child to not have to eat brussels sprouts because she hated the way her mom made them. Ironically, she eats them now when they’re roasted and seasoned well and not boiled into a mushy mess, which also shows that while a C personality can be very stubborn, they are also willing to change their mind when shown new and compelling information.
Moving on, this next one is going to make several of you go, “Ew!”, including me the first time I read about it. I learned it from Louise Hay and if you’ve never done it, I’ll bet it absolutely challenges you, so here we go. Every time you look in a mirror or see your reflection, say to yourself, “I love you. I really love you.”.
That’s a tough one isn’t it? The truth is that I literally couldn’t do it the first time I tried, so I did the next best thing and said “I like you”, and it still felt weird, but I did it.
What helped me even more, in the beginning, was finding a picture of myself when I was very young, about 2 or so, and I started talking to her. It’s really interesting how difficult it is to talk badly to even a picture of a little person and how easy it was to encourage her.
I even re-named her because I see her more as my inner child, and I love thinking about her that way. I call her Ella for a very specific reason, and that reason is that when she’s being good and I’m doing well in life, it feels like my inner child is acting like Cinderella, and when life is a mess, and I can’t seem to do anything right, it’s like she’s a mini version of Cruella DeVille, my favorite Disney villain.
I know that sounds wacky to a lot of people, but having her picture in a frame on my desk and looking at her every day helps keep my life in perspective because I truly was that little girl, and I’ve lived so many good and not so good times, and she’s been through it all with me, and that helps me turn the negative thoughts into strength for her and for me.
Now, I know the Driven folks are going to be like, “You’ve got to be kidding me. I am not going to do that.” And I get it. It’s hard to do this if you’ve been raised not to be full of yourself, but here’s the thing, if you’re not full of yourself, who or what are you full of? Interesting thought, huh?
Now, the Inspired personality will often be the person most likely to enjoy this exercise because in general, unless they’ve been raised otherwise, the I personality people generally like themselves, mostly because they do their best to be fun and light hearted, and they love people who are fun and light hearted.
I add the part about the picture of myself for the S personality because even though it’s a picture of themselves, Supportive personalities find it so much easier to do things for others, and this is a way to help them reframe helping themselves by helping them help their inner child. Pretty cool, huh?
I know the Cautious personality is going to struggle with this because it will seem frivolous to them and they might even have difficulty thinking of the picture of themselves as an inner child, but I think the C personality can be the one that benefits from this the most because they’re typically so hard on themselves, and a few kind words even to a photo of themselves as a young child can go a very long way to helping them reframe how they think about and talk to themselves.
The final way to reframe your negative thoughts into strengths is focusing on what you want rather than resisting or complaining about what you don’t. Again, I know several of you are going to balk at this, but hear me out. There is so much power in focusing on what you want. It literally focuses your energy in the direction you want to go, and that creates momentum in a positive rather than a negative way
I learned this technique when my oldest child was a preschooler, and he was terrible about listening or so we thought. I heard about this technique on a set of parenting cds. Yes, I’m that old, but the premise is that when you tell a child to not do something like don’t run, they have to think of the wrong behavior first before they can think of the thing that you actually want them to do, which is to walk, so we tried it with our child and then later with his siblings, and y’all, it works. There was also an additional benefit that we never expected.
You know how toddlers say no all the time? Ours didn’t do that because we worked on this, and it was not easy. A child reaches for something that they’re not supposed to touch, and we immediately say, “no!” Then when the parent starts doing something the child doesn’t want to do, they repeat what they hear, which is no. Interesting, right?
My favorite moment when we saw it working was when someone asked my son if he wanted milk to drink at a restaurant, and he said, “Well, actually I prefer chocolate milk,” and the waitress looked at us and said, “Actually?” and we had to explain how we talked to him, but honestly, it makes so much sense when you think about it, and although it takes some work, it is a superb way to reframe negative thoughts from what you don’t want into what you do.
I won’t lie, it’s pretty weird when you start doing it because you’re not used to thinking this way, but after years of doing this, it is one of the things I consciously revisit, especially when I’m struggling with something.
It’s like having a coach inside my own body, and I love the amazing answers that pop up when I truly let go and let my intuition guide the words rather than my brain. It wasn’t easy to let go at first, but the better I get at it, the better answers I get and the more fun I have with it and the better my life gets.
It sometimes reminds me of the scene from the movie The Notebook where Ryan Gosling asks Rachel McAdams over and over, “what do you want?” and she doesn’t answer. Instead, she deflects and eventually leaves because she’s afraid to say what she really wants, but when she finally does, she gets what she wants, not what everyone else wants for her.
That’s the thing about focusing on what you want. If it’s meant to be, you get there faster with less resistance, and that feels amazing.
If you have the Driven Personality, I know that you’re rolling your eyes at me, but you are so freaking powerful that when you do this, you’ll accomplish more than you ever dreamed you could, especially if you have a group or a team that shares your vision. Why? Because you’re already great at dealing with obstacles and when they are focused around what you want instead of tearing down what you don’t want before you get to what you do want, it’s like magic.
I’ve seen Driven women create the most amazing online businesses with visions that others could not imagine, but when they got to work, things happened, and they happened quickly. It’s so cool.
Now, I would caution you to have someone on your team that pays attention to the details and someone that reminds you to pay attention to the people in your life, but when you do this, your life is bound to change for the better quickly, and when it does, I want to know about it.
For the Inspired Personality, this will only work if you make it fun, but you are great at making life fun. For me, I write daily affirmations, and I change them as needed. Currently, I’m affirming that I am creating and living a life I adore, and that I have happy, healthy and loving relationships with everyone and everything in my life. Focusing on that, I live my days very differently than if I wrote that I had to do the cleaning, cooking and run my business. For me, it has a positive and uplifting tone that makes me happy to get to work every day, and before you go there,
I know how privileged this sounds, but some of the least privileged people I know taught me these lessons. My in-laws were not financially well off and yet, they always had enough. They lived frugally in a way I had never seen, and they were incredibly happy. They raised 9 children in a two bedroom home, and my father in-law worked two jobs for most of his adult life, but he was one of the happiest people I ever met, even after going into local politics. It was an amazing life lesson, and one I’ll always appreciate.
The Supportive Personality may already do this for other people because they are fantastic at lifting others up, but they often think they’ve not done enough when it comes to their own efforts. This concept of focusing on what you want can be so empowering for them it’s almost scary for them because they are forced to see their power rather than make themselves inconspicuous, which the S personality is likely to do, but that doesn’t mean they have to be in the spotlight.
Instead, it means that when you know what you want based on what you want rather than what other people are constantly asking of you, you can set clear and kind boundaries for yourself and those around you without having to get to the point of a meltdown before people listen to you, and I’ll tell you from experience, it’s so much nicer to focus on what you want than dealing with the resistance of those around you when you’re unclear about the type of help you want but you want people to help you. That includes taking things off the mental load plate if that’s what you want.
Let’s face it, the Supportive personality is the most likely person to take on the mental load for the people they love, and most of the time they don’t mind it. The problem arises when things get overwhelming and you don’t know which way to go next. You start spinning your wheels, getting further and further behind until you blow your top and your people either scatter to escape your rage or you become passive aggressive and your people scatter to escape your veiled rage. Neither is pretty or healthy, so here’s what you do.
You decide what you want and talk to your family about it. They might surprise you. In my case, I had to sit down with my husband and tell him I was overwhelmed. I was doing all the things I already did, building multiple businesses too, and I was drowning. His response was to ask me what one thing he could take off my plate to make life easier, and by doing that, I came to the conclusion that him doing the weekly laundry was the thing that would help me most, and you know what? It did.
We also had a discussion about the fact that he would do the laundry differently than I did. I did a small load every day or two to keep up. He does the laundry on the weekend, which meant I had to buy new clothes. My clothes that hang dry sometimes stay in the basement for a week unless I go get them myself, but not having to fuss about the laundry makes my life so much easier, all from asking for what I want.
If you have the Cautious Personality, I have no doubt you can write a detailed list of what you want, but I caution you to only focus on what you have control over, and I’m sure that limits you greatly. That’s true for every personality type, but especially for you because only other C personalities pay attention to details like you do. So, making sure your detailed list is filled with things that you control rather than relying on anyone else, makes it easier to get what you want. I would also limit yourself to what you focus on right now because I know you want to do all the things and do them right now, and that’s a recipe for frustration too.
Pick no more than one thing in each area of your life, and when you accomplish that thing you want, celebrate it before you move onto the next thing. Your tendency is to do and do and do and do and think you haven’t done anything, but I assure you that you do more in a day than most people your age do in a week, unless you are surrounded by other C personalities.
So, did any of these techniques speak to you? If so, leave a comment and let me know.
I truly believe these are techniques that can help almost anyone, and I know for a fact that they’ve helped me. Check out the show notes and description for a recap.
If you feel like they can help you too, I suggest you give them a try. Be sure to like and subscribe to make sure you get more of this type of content. Then go to the Moving Toward Better homepage and sign up for our email list to get in on all the news that’s coming your way, including the Happiest Holidays planner and community to help you have your happiest holiday season possible.
Until next time, keep moving toward better, whatever that means for you. Love you all!
Show Notes
There are so many ways to reframe negative thoughts into strengths, and this episode shows you a few that you can start working on immediately.
Stop complaining
Learn to choose
Not your mama’s positive self talk
What do you want?
It’s definitely easier for some, but the results are absolutely worth it.
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