7/25/24 Navigating Relationships: Reality vs. Expectations
Have you ever had a relationship that went exactly as you expected it to? If you have, you are rare indeed. Have you ever had one that didn’t go at all as you expected? I have for sure, and we’re going to talk about that today, reality versus expectations in relationships.
Welcome to the Moving Toward Better Podcast. I’m your host, Karen Bemmes, and Today we’re talking about Navigating the Reality versus the Expectation of Relationships today.
Before we dive in, I want to make clear that what I am about to share are experiences from my life and what I learned along the way. Your situation may be different, and this is no substitute for medical or mental health intervention if your situation warrants it. This podcast is designed to help people understand themselves and others better. It is not intended to diagnose or treat any mental or physical condition. If you suspect you or a family member is at risk of physical or mental harm, please seek proper medical help immediately.
For those who are new to the podcast, when I talk about personalities, communication and relationships, I use the DISC personality model of behavior and refer to people as D or Driven, I or Inspired, S or Supportive, and C or Cautious. You can find links to take your own Personality Assessment in the Show Notes
Have you ever entered a relationship without expectations? It’s a really difficult thing to do, and when reality falls short of expectation, it causes problems. I had that happen this week with my husband, and while it seems like a silly, little thing, this one incident showed me a bigger issue in the realm of expectations versus reality in relationships.
My husband is traveling off and on for work again, and the day before he was supposed to leave for the first time in a long time was not a good one, which I detest because I never want my family to leave feeling bad. Here’s what happened. My husband golfed with his brother on Sunday morning, which he does most weekends. They have the first tee off time in the morning, so they can get through the course quickly and get home to spend time with their families the rest of the day.
Every week my husband calls me when he leaves the golf course to let me know he’s on his way and to ask me if I need him to pick anything up for me. I truly appreciate the call and the ask, but this week, when it was way past time for him to be home, he still hadn’t called. I don’t call him because it’s bad etiquette to talk on a phone on the golf course, so I texted him and asked where he was because I was getting worried and agitated. He texted back that he was in the driveway, which normally wouldn’t be a problem, but on this particular Sunday we were supposed to drop my car off at his brother’s house who is our auto mechanic. I had planned my entire day around that event because it requires me to leave the house, something I rarely do on Sunday unless we are visiting with people or have errands we didn’t finish on Saturday. It’s an ADHD thing, so if you know you know, and if you don’t, I cannot fully explain it to you, but suffice it to say that leaving the house requires a different mindset than staying home, and re-engaging with home tasks after being gone, for me, takes an extraordinary effort. By not calling and having to do it after he got home, my schedule was put back at least an hour, and I was flustered and emotionally dysregulated.
When I asked why he didn’t call, he said he got two calls, one to pick up meds for our son, and one about his upcoming trip, so he forgot to call me. The reality was that he wasn’t trying to be rude. He was merely taking care of the business at hand, but I had expected him to do something else, and I got my feelings hurt, which ended up being a much bigger thing than it needed to be, but it also made me think about the expectations we have in relationships versus the reality of our relationships, even after 30 years of a happy marriage. Whew!
Y’all I love that man to bits, and I know he loves me that much too, but my expectations of that morning and the resulting disappointment ended up ruining a good portion of our day. He felt awful because he didn’t call. I felt awful because I got upset and was having trouble getting my emotions regulated, and a day we both would have preferred to be happy and fun really wasn’t. We still got the things accomplished that we needed to, but it was like someone put a cold, wet blanket on the day.
On the upside, we have been here before, so we knew we’d come back together. We’ve also had years of working on our relationship and ourselves, so we can say things to one another that other couples might struggle with.
Had this been a sitcom relationship, one or both of us would have been portrayed very differently than we felt. He could have been portrayed as an uncaring and inattentive husband. I could have been portrayed as a controlling and unforgiving wife. Neither one is true. We were merely two people caught up in our own life story.
If we shared our situation with others, they would have invariably had opinions based only on our side of the situation, and that can make things so much worse. After 30+ years, we have learned to keep these situations to ourselves until we solve them ourselves, which happened later that day, but there’s a healing time that needs to happen for each of us after we have an altercation like this.
Recently I watched a video where Gary Vaynerchuck said that he is never disappointed because he has no expectations of anyone. In fact, he has several videos where he talks about this. He does say that he has standards and boundaries that he has no trouble enforcing, but he’s never disappointed by anything anyone says or does, and I can pretty much tell you that this is the most emotionally healthy D personality response to other humans that I have ever heard.
He even tells a story where he invested a hefty amount of money into a friend who became very successful, but when he asked the friend to help him promote Gary’s first book, he declined. Most of us would have been angry, felt resentful or ended the friendship. He did none of these, and I find that incredibly admirable.
When it comes to personalities, the Driven personality is the most likely to not take a situation personally when reality doesn’t meet their expectation, but they will remember. If they’re in balance, they’ll make note of it and move on. If not, revenge may happen.
The in balance Inspired person will be hurt, like me, but will be able to get back on track. If they are in a relationship they value, they’ll forgive and do what they can to lighten the mood and make things better quickly. The out of balance I personality will be dramatic and perhaps have a meltdown, but in the end, if it’s someone they care about, they will find a way to smooth things over and return to the fun and lightheartedness they search for in life. If not, they can resent people for a very long time.
The Supportive personality can struggle with this entire idea. They want everyone to get along, but when they have expectations and they aren’t met, it hurts them more than they might admit. They may not let you know that directly, but they feel it and feel it deeply. In balance, they will communicate more clearly in the future, possibly to the point that it annoys others because they want to make sure their expectations are clear, and that clarity is what the S personality needs to feel safe in their relationships. Out of balance, they may sacrifice their own well being to try to please others rather than holding others responsible for their actions or they can become passive aggressive in their language and actions until they work through their strong emotions.
For the C personality, this is a trust issue. If they have expectations, and they almost always have expectations, they expect people to meet them. As long as they are in balance and can express their expectations, they’re less likely to be disappointed, but if, like in my case, those expectations are unmet and unfulfilled, it can cause irreparable harm to a relationship. In balance, they will cool off and at some point tell the person who didn’t meet their expectations what those expectations were so that things go better in the future. If not, they may leave a friendship behind that they may regret losing later but will not try to retrieve because they believe people should know their rules and follow them.
So, how do you handle it when your expectations and your reality in your relationships don’t match? Do you get angry and detach? Do you blame the other person, or do you try to find a solution or peace to avoid a confrontation? Can you forgive someone who doesn’t live up to your expectations? Share your thoughts in the comments and subscribe to learn more about relationship dynamics. If you like what you’ve heard, please share and then go to the Moving Toward Better homepage to join our email community or sign up for your own DISCovery call. Links are in the show notes.
Until next time, keep moving toward better, whatever that looks like for you.
Love you all!
Show Notes
Do all your relationships end up the way you expect them to? Is that a good or bad thing, and what if you could make it better? Have a listen and share your experiences in the comments
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