6/27/24 10 Practical Tips to Overcome Imposter Syndrome
What is the purpose of this podcast? To encourage people by sharing.
Live intro with hook - Hello my lovelies. Have you ever felt like an imposter or poser? Is there anyone who hasn’t, other than sociopaths and psychopaths? Imposter syndrome shows up everywhere, and unless you deal with it, it can truly mess with your financial and personal success. Welcome to the Moving Toward Better Podcast. I’m your host, Karen Bemmes, and Today we’re talking about Imposter Syndrome.
I could assume that everyone knows what Imposter Syndrome is, but I won’t, so here’s what Merriam-Webster has to say about it. Their definition of Imposter Syndrome is ‘a psychological condition that is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one's abilities or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one's ongoing success’.
This kind of tripped me up originally because I think a lot of imposter syndrome happens because people are trying something new, and they feel inadequate to the task. In that case there really isn’t evidence of success in that endeavor, but often there’s success in other areas of life, and the truth is that I had a difficult time recording this podcast for that very reason. I know to people who are more task oriented, this will sound like no big deal, but to those who are people oriented, it will sound like a very big deal.
You see, yesterday was my husband and my 31st wedding anniversary, and that’s a big deal to me. I love that man to bits, and every year I have with him is a gift. Most years we hear from several people wishing us a happy anniversary. This year, we heard from one person, my husband’s oldest sister, and that’s it. Do people have valid reasons for not sending us good wishes? I’m sure they do, and I know what they would be, but it stung, and it made me wonder if I was qualified to record this podcast, but maybe it makes me even more qualified because of a few things I realized to work through the sadness I felt about not hearing from those I care about most.
The first is that my marriage is one of the things I am most proud of. When I say that my husband is my favorite person on the planet, I mean it, and after what happened with our anniversary, thank goodness that’s the case. We are solid and love each other in a way I didn’t know was possible because it certainly wasn’t the type of marriage I saw growing up.
The second is that we modeled a great marriage for our children, one where we loved each other so much but also loved them and occasionally, especially when they were younger, our kids’ needs took center stage. Our marriage was strong enough to allow for that when my attention had to be more on my children than my husband.
Finally, I was reminded that we’ve weathered so much in our three plus decades together. Our fathers passed away four months from each other, the first when I was 4 weeks postpartum with our second child. One of our homes had a flooded basement 3 times with one foot, four feet and finally 8 feet of water. We had to evacuate carrying our Chow dog and three month old newborn with extra health needs. Fortunately our older two were spending the night with the same sister in law I mentioned earlier. We also lost one of our cars in the flood too.
We’ve been through years of financial strife and my husband traveling for work, and I cannot tell you how many people I know that end up divorced because of one person traveling and the other not being able to deal with that. Many don’t, but enough do to feel good about staying together all this time. So whether anyone else acknowledges it or not, we have a fantastic marriage, and I’m pretty freaking proud of us for that.
Then there are the business challenges I’ve had the past few years.
When I started blogging, I was terrified to publish my first blog post. I had no idea if anyone would care about anything I had to say, and truth be told, I never had the success some people had and have in blogging, but you know what? I learned that it wasn’t the writing. I’ve read the blogs of people who are financially much more successful than I am, and you know what? Some of them don’t write nearly as well as I do. What they do know how to do is to monetize their ability to write, and that’s something to admire and learn from.
The same goes for this podcast. There are people out there that have so much more success than I do, and when I listen to their podcast, I know what I have to say and how I say it is as good as their material. For some people, including me at one time, that can be devastating, but again, they have marketing and income generating skills I lack, so there’s obviously more to learn.
I remember people saying things like they hadn’t touched their blog or podcast in over a year and when they went back to blogging, within a month they were making thousands of dollars, had thousands of pageviews or followers, or they started a blog or podcast and were making money from the first month. I remember being so upset back then because I was working so hard and wasn’t seeing any progress. I had read and been told by so many experts that all I needed to do was to write 100 blog posts and promote them and the money would come. Didn’t happen.
The same advice started coming about the podcast, and this time, I didn’t bite because I pushed myself so hard to get to 100 blog posts that I ended up burnt out and frustrated. I was determined not to do that with my coaching and my podcast because I nearly lost the love of writing I had nearly all my life in the process.
Before all of that, there was my book fiasco, and I’ve not talked about that much, so here we go. Back in 2016 I paid a lot of money aka thousands of dollars to work with someone who was supposed to be amazing at helping people self-publish and become an Amazon best seller. I attended an online weekend class that this person taught and signed up for their program that would help me write, publish and promote my book.
I knew exactly what I wanted to write about - Motherhood and some of the amazing people I know that were mothers that would never be recognized publicly for some extraordinary things I thought they did or the extraordinary people that they were. I interviewed some of these women for the book and wrote stories from my point of view about them. Unless you know these women personally, you would have to do some serious research to figure out who most of them are, but the point wasn’t to highlight the person. The point of the book was to highlight that there are extraordinary women from all walks of life doing great work as moms, and if we just look for them, we’ll find them and their incredible stories in our own lives.
The process of writing the book was exciting, including figuring out that the editing process that trips so many people up can actually be fun, but that’s a story for another day.
We picked a launch date in May and a few weeks before the launch date, the book coach informed me that she got an offer to climb Machu Picchu the day of my launch, so she would be unreachable. That scared me a bit, but when the day of the launch actually happened, I found out her assistant hadn’t set things up properly with Amazon, and I didn’t sell a single book much less become an Amazon best seller. To say I was devastated was an understatement, and when I approached the book coach about what happened, she told me I still had a book and referred me to the contract that was iron clad in releasing her from any responsibility for the book’s success or lack thereof.
So why are we talking about this in conjunction with the definition of imposter syndrome that I mentioned? Because it all matters. You see, if I chose to, I could 100 percent point to these moments and assume I was an imposter, but that would be ignoring the nonfinancial successes I had along the way.
Starting with the book, I am still so very proud of that work and the final product I produced. Every time I see the cover, I remember the women I wrote about fondly. I’m still doing the podcast, and I’ve had several people send messages about prior episodes that touched them in some way. The same thing has happened with blog posts, and for me, that’s an incredible thing. The other thing I know is that some people get success early, and it’s not always the best thing for them because it came easily, and they don’t know how to reproduce it because it was like lightning in a bottle. With my situation, I bring a different perspective, one I think is born of the wisdom of perseverance and grit, so let’s talk about that.
One of the most difficult things as a writer of any kind is to put your words out in the world because, especially in the beginning, it feels like putting a piece of your heart in the world that people can trample on. That happened with a friend who loved to write and who was finding every excuse to keep from launching her blog. We were at a blogging retreat, and she had some beautiful pieces she had written but hadn’t published, so we pushed her to publish her first blog post, and guess what happened? NOTHING!!! And that’s the first tip about imposter syndrome, especially if you’re a blogger.
No one knows what you’re doing, even if you publish it, unless you promote it and/or tell them, so worrying about others’ reactions to it is a waste of energy. That may sound silly, but sometimes you need to take the baby step of publishing a few things, even if no one knows they exist, to get over your fear of publishing. You obviously want to do your best work, and that’s the real secret to publishing without telling anyone and is tip 2.
You can fix it. If it’s a blog post with a type, you can edit. If it’s a book with formatting errors, you can fix it in the next publishing run. Podcast words that you stumble over? You can edit things out, re-record a similar episode or turn it into part of a blooper reel. Don’t we all love a good set of bloopers? The thing is, we all make mistakes, so ride that wave and learn to surf.
Speaking of love. Tip number 3 is to love your work. When you love what you do, you’ll keep going when the success is moderate or nonexistent. I absolutely love writing, coaching, podcasting and helping people. I’ve even learned to enjoy doing live videos, which, when you consider that public speaking is the number one fear in the US, is no small thing.
That brings us to Tip 4, which is to reframe success. This sounds trite, I know, but hear me out. My book wasn’t a critical or financial success, but I did it, and I’m proud of it. Do you know how many people out there wish they could write a book or want to write a book but they’re too scared to do it? I had no idea how many were like that until I actually published, and other than congratulations, having people say they wish they could write a book was the sentiment I heard most. The same applies to blogging and podcasting and whatever you dream of doing. Just doing it puts you further than so many who dream and never do and sadly, they think it’s too late.
You know, it’s been said so many times that when people reach the end of their lives, it’s the things they didn’t do that haunts them, so I guess this is the month of challenges because just like last week, I’m going to challenge you to take a step toward your dreams and do something that you can look at as a success. Write a paragraph or a script. Create a prototype either in 3d or on paper if you have something you want to invent. Go wild. You never know where it might lead.
That inspires tip 5, that it’s never too late, and if you think it is, let’s talk and see if it really is. I’ve talked before about my cousin, who happens to love the band Blues Traveler. A couple of years ago, he got permission from the band to follow them around the country to take pictures and some video of their tour. He didn’t want to be paid. He’s followed the band for over 20 years and wanted the adventure of following the band around the country. He’s an excellent photographer, and you can follow him on Instagram as fotoggypsy with two gs. I will put the link for that in the show notes because the best parts about my cousin’s stories, for me anyway, are the fact that in his 60s he fulfilled a lifelong dream of being a roadie for a band.
You see, once the band saw the quality of the images my cousin was taking, they started inviting them into their circle. He got to eat with them and use their mobile showering and laundry facilities. Occasionally, he got comped a hotel room, which gave him a reprieve from sleeping in his van, and best of all, the trip inspired him to take a film class so he can create a documentary about the band’s tour. This is after retiring from the military as a 20 year man and then retiring again from public service as a civilian working for the military for nearly another 20 years. I don’t know about you, but that inspires me. Oh, and he lost weight in the process without even trying.
And that brings me to tip number 6, which is to find inspiration wherever you can. Nothing makes me happier than to see people doing things that they absolutely love after experiencing their own imposter syndrome. I find inspiration in so many places. Today, I found inspiration in a video my daughter in love shared on our family album of my granddaughter on the monkey bars at the park.
She was determined to get across the monkey bars, and as you might expect, she barely made it to the second rung the first time she tried, but she kept trying. There were a few attempts that she stomped her foot and was visibly angry. There were a few where she looked like she might give up, but she kept trying. In fact she tried close to a dozen times before she succeeded, but when she did, it was amazing.
She let out a big yell and that brings us to tip 7, which is to celebrate the wins when they come. Getting across the monkey bars at the park will not be the highlight of my granddaughter’s life, but it was certainly the highlight of her day, and guess what? It was the highlight of several others’ days too, including mine. As I was dealing with my own bout of imposter syndrome regarding this episode, I may have watched it a couple more times for inspiration, and it helped.
That’s also a lead in to tip 8, which is that you have no idea how each of your successes encourages and delights others. You never know how many lives you touch by merely doing the things that you do. Occasionally you find out, but sometimes it can be years later. This has nothing to do with business or financial success, but one of my boys had a teacher who lost a brother in law to a motorcycle accident. This teacher was so special to us, so I sent her a hand written note to express our condolences. I never gave it another thought but several years later I ran into her outside of school, and she told me how much that note meant to her. I only mention it because writing handwritten notes is something I’m pretty good at, but for years, I downplayed that talent thinking anyone could do it, but as an experienced adult, I know that’s not the case, and that leads us to tip 9 which is
Own your talent and expertise. That may sound funny when we’re talking about imposter syndrome, but here’s the thing. If you write, you’re a writer. If you sing, you’re a singer. I used to get really hung up on calling myself a writer, but the truth is that I write every day. All the while I was writing my first book, I practiced saying I was a writer, and once the book was published, I had to practice calling myself an author, but the more I own what my talents are, the more fun I have with them, and the better they seem to get. Here’s something else I rarely talk about too.
I wasn’t raised in a family that valued writing and public speaking as skills. As a teenager, I wrote and delivered part of a sermon on youth Sunday, and I talked about being afraid and feeling inadequate to the task. The truth is that I don’t remember delivering much of that sermon because I was completely in the zone as they say. It turned out to be an amazing experience, and it led me to do some of the things I do today, which are public speaking, and yes, I count podcasting and doing Facebook lives as public speaking.
And that leads me to tip number 10, and I love this one the most because my final and favorite tip for overcoming imposter syndrome is to help someone. Everything I write or create is infused with the energy of helping others. When I work from that angle, the words flow in the most beautiful ways, including this podcast. I was struggling to come up with tips until I changed the focus from coming up with each individual tip and focused on helping people who experience imposter syndrome.
When I did that, the words and ideas flowed freely, and I worked long past my usual stopping time because everything was working so smoothly.
So there you have it, 10 tips to Overcome Imposter Syndrome. To recap, they are
1. No one knows what you’re doing, so stop wasting energy worrying about others’ reactions.
2. Mistakes are part of the process, and in most cases, you can fix them.
3. Love your work.
4. Reframe success. Not all wins are financial.
5. It’s never too late. You may not be able to run a marathon, but you can still run.
6. Find inspiration where you can. Seek it out daily.
7. Celebrate the wins. Big or small celebrate them all.
8. Share your wins because you never know who you might inspire.
9. Own your talent and expertise. That isn’t arrogance. It’s practical.
10. Use your talents and expertise to help others. You never know where it will lead.
You know we’re going to add a bit of personality work in here because that’s what we do, so before we go, some of these tips will be easier for each personality than others. For example, the Supportive personality will easily embrace helping others. The Driven personality will own their expertise. The Cautious personality will always do their best, and the Inspired personality will always look for inspiration.
And finally, I’ll leave you with a story about imposter syndrome that is my absolute favorite, and it comes from Neil Gaiman. I’ll put a link to the quote/story in the show notes if you want to share it with others. In his words,
Some years ago, I was lucky enough to be invited to a gathering of great and good people: artists and scientists, writers and discoverers of things. And I felt that at any moment they would realize that I didn’t qualify to be there, among these people who had really done things.
On my second or third night there, I was standing at the back of the hall, while a musical entertainment happened, and I started talking to a very nice, polite, elderly gentleman about several things, including our shared first name. And then he pointed to the hall of people, and said words to the effect of, “I just look at all these people, and I think, what the heck am I doing here? They’ve made amazing things. I just went where I was sent.”
And I said, “Yes. But you were the first man on the moon. I think that counts for something.”
And I felt a bit better. Because if Neil Armstrong felt like an imposter, maybe everyone did. Maybe there weren’t any grown-ups, only people who had worked hard and also got lucky and were slightly out of their depth, all of us doing the best job we could, which is all we can really hope for.”
Pretty cool, huh?
As always, if you like what you’ve heard, please share and subscribe and then go to the Moving Toward Better homepage and join our email community.
Until next time, keep moving toward better, whatever that looks like for you.
Love you all!
Show Notes
Nearly everyone feels Imposter Syndrome at some point. What separates the successes from the pack is learning how to overcome Imposter Syndrome to find the success they’re looking for.
I participate in the Amazon Associate and Influencer programs which means if you make a purchase, I may earn a commission at no additional cost to you.
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Get your copy of Everyday Heroes of Motherhood on Amazon: https://geni.us/motherhood
To follow my cousin on his photo adventures, check him out on Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/fotoggypsy?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==
Neil Gaiman story: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/10222177-some-years-ago-i-was-lucky-enough-invited-to-a
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